Sometimes the not knowing is so much better than knowing. After waking up Thursday morning at 4:00 am, my mind went into overdrive. I began thinking about labor, delivery, healing, the exhaustion that comes with a newborn, my ability as a mom, the fact that we STILL had not picked a baby name, etc. The more I thought, the more freaked out I got. My mind told me it was pregnancy hormones, but my emotions didn’t seem to care. They were taking over.
At 4:30, my husband’s alarm went off. I let him know I was awake & he didn’t have to worry about shutting the door and keeping quiet. He was shocked to hear I was awake and asked why. In his opinion, he might say that was the wrong thing to ask since I turned into a blubbering idiot. For me, it was awesome to have him ask and then listen. He eased my fears & got me settled back down. I think we even decided on a name! We’ve had a few names we like, but haven’t been able to fully decide which name she’ll be. I think we’re 99.9% sure. I’ll let you know in a few weeks if I’m right or if the .01% kicks in & we change it yet again. 😉
One of the fears has been about labor. Of course, every pregnant woman thinks and plans how she would like labor to go. My first experience wasn’t a bad one. However, it did open my eyes. It was nice living in the land where I had an idea of what labor would be like yet not really knowing. The knowing and understanding that it may go nothing like I “plan” had me freaking out the other morning. I literally told Ryan, “I don’t want to do this again! I mean, I know I have to, but I don’t want to! Really, I want her to be here but I DO NOT want to do this again!”
I’ve heard it asked before if someone could show a crystal ball of what the next 5 years would be like, would you want to know? My answer is a resounding NO! For me, part of the courage of getting through things is in the unknown. I can fool myself into thinking it’s not going to be that bad. Then looking back, I typically say, “Wow! I did THAT?!” If I knew how hard it would be, it would make it too easy to fold. Thank goodness, you can’t fold in labor. Once it’s starts, there’s nothing you can do but “suck it up”, as my husband says, and get through it.
So, sometime in the next 3 1/2 weeks, I’ll be “sucking it up” and getting through it. 😉 The only good part of “knowing” what’s coming is that I know it will all be worth it…no matter how my “plan” turns out.